One Year. Three hundred sixty-five days since the most challenging time of my life ended. Only to usher in a new ache.
Watching Mom deteriorate so quickly from cancer, caring for her for weeks with hospice’s guidance. She left us before she took her last breath, so the finality of her passing in the early morning of 17 March 2023 came with a sense of relief that she was at peace along with unbearable loss.
When I finally left Pennsylvania and returned to Maine, it took months to shake the fog of loss and find interest in anything. At times, it was possible to forget that she was gone. Then, a flash out of the blue of “I need to call Mom.” Or “It’s been a bit, I haven’t talked to Mom lately.” Or waking from a nap only to realize the phone call was a dream.
The heavy blanket of grief has been replaced with a veil of sorrow, which sometimes feels unbearable. My creativity has faded, coming in fits and starts. My motivation is hit or miss. Each first without her hurts—my birthday, Mother’s Day, her birthday, Christmas, and today.
Grief comes out of the blue. I can be rolling along just fine, busy with work, family, critters, and trips to Dad’s – and then it hits. I’ve found that trying to stay busy to keep the feelings at bay doesn’t really work. The grief waits for those moments when my mind is free before swooping in, often in the middle of the night.
Three hundred sixty-five days – how can it have gone by so quickly and yet feel like a lifetime?
Love you, Mom.
Sending Hugs and Prayers for you.
Thank you, Ann.
I am on a similar journey. It will be a year later this month since losing my mom.
I can identify with everything you have discussed.
I so understand. It will be three years since my mom passed on March 23. There are still times when I am doing some routine thing, and I think, wait, before I get started, I need to call mom to chat first.
8 years since my mum passed, and it still hits me now and again – tears when driving in the car? a certain song? a question I want to ask? My heartfelt sympathy for the times when it is so hard. But, it’s a process, and please know that you’re supported by others, some who have been through similar situations, some who will learn from you for when the situation presents itself to them. Hugs, and hope for a sunny day today
It’s so hard, I’m sure. My mom’s been gone for years but I still miss calling her. So many things that I wish I had thought to ask. I hope your new puppy will help sooth your heart. Thinking of you. Jan in MA
My heart goes out to you; I too lost my mom to cancer. She had several operations and chemo; but it finally took her. You wonder why she had to suffer so much. It helps me to think that she is with me always now, in the breeze or wind perhaps, ever-present. I pray time will ease your pain.
Prayers for continued healing. There is no way to know when the grieving will diminish. Eventually your creativity will return and help you to move forward. Thinking of you.